Its still in the same stage. However, the difference is that...being 22 days into this new year, I am extremely tired. It sounds insane after having gotten that thought out. It has only been 22 days! And I am soo sick of life! I am writing my thesis, and it just don't suit my temper. I have envy, lots of it. I envy Ashleigh who seems to have gotten the ball rolling in terms of 'thesis tone', and is on her third chapter. I envy all my other friends who are in their early stages of PhD and need not bother about thesis yet. I envy Cris who is at the last lap of completion, and have a career secured with a job at a laser company. In addition to envy, I am angry.Angry at myself, because I JUST CANNOT WRITE. I try this way, and that way...and the feeling at the end is always the same....it doesn't sound nice. I'm angry at myself for the INTENSE FEAR I harbour for anything and everything, I detest staying in the office, because I hate my desk, takes me ages to get into a writing mode at that place. I loathe talking to my office-mates, not of faults of their own, but, because all I can talk about is how miserable I am. And being the misery incarnate, I cannot show or express any other feeling. Even talking normal stuff gets on my nerves.
Essentially, I am very high-strung. I am the root of all problems, and the worst part is, I am also the solution to these problems. Its bizzarre. Presently, I am writing from Cafe Brio at HWU. I do find comfort being here, atleast I can lament in peace as can be understood in this post...and the irony is that I am surrounded by so many people, and it is soo noisy here. When I was in the office 15 minutes, well, yeah, we talk only occasionaly...but somehow every single word seems to bring out some sort of bad dream. I was sitting there, trying to compose myself,...and feeling sooo RESTLESS. These feelings are undefinable.
I want to get out of it all. As my mom told me today morning, I don't love what I am meant to do. I don't have an ounce of self-confidence. I am blessed so much, and instead of thanking God for it, and trying in a very steady pace to overcome every little step, I worry, lose sleep and end up doing a very very bad job.
I would never say that I write well. I don't! Before I start writing, I have no clue what I am going to put down on paper. And most times, after I'm done , it sounds nice. I don;t intend for it to be...even though I do try. And the success rate of this technique has been pretty good, till of late, I think. God, you know what I am going through. It is very bizarre that if I look at myself with an aerial perspective, I am still at a great place..everything is going forward, all looks good...but then I finf so much difficulty getting the small things done. Please give me strength and resolve, and confidence that you will let me write well. That You will never let me go. That my path will mend. Give me the gift of hope, and unfaltering enthusiasm and happiness knowing how blessed I still am...and how blessed I always will be. And, all my life, I should dedicate to thanking you! Countless dear God, countless...are your blessings to me. I thank you, and I'm sorry for being a complainer. Help me be better.
Love
R
