Mind control

Today AJ told me to get a grip of my mind. Not to go deep into negativity, not to create a trench and pull in everything I hold dear. He is true. He is so wise and so nice. I would have held a grudge for less. I wish I could be impartial.

Marriage has changed a lot in me. Finally, someone is truly interested in me and what I feel and have to say. It is amazing . I love my AJ. And now I have started being a scared self. Scared of death, scared of doing anything that might hurt him. My own opinions seems to play see-saw sometimes. Being a mother has worsened my situation.! Such a lot of insecurities, you wouldn't believe!! I feel like I'm starting to be like Mrs Kent from the Emily books...how terrible and ugly is that!!!!

And in the end of al of it, I wish to curl up somewhere and wallow in self pity and self loathing . And cry and cry. AJ , he deserves someone stong and capable and not such a sissy! I love him so  much though and I pray I can grow to be the wife he deserves .

Post roll-over stress

Dear God , 

Need to vent! They say as a mom , I have the complete decision making powers over the child. Perhaps I do. I just feel so much under stress at the moment. I'm pretty sure it's the same for AJ. He must be torn between his wife's (our mutual) previous decisions and that of his parents. Mummy has started feeding Snebaby on the sly. She tasted honey today. Somehow it rankled. Perhaps it was the way it was done. And they have again started the talk of feeding her solids. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's all messed up at the moment. Now that she has rolled over, it's as if the the need of me as a mother is over and I might as well get lost. It seems that they will gladly have that since they have hinted multiple times about us leaving our child here. Having heard the magnitude of criticisms of their brothers having forsaken their children to grandparents, I'm actually shocked !! How could they even hint at such a thing !! 

God , I'm extremely precarious. I have lost my sense of peace, again. In this household , crying is a vice . Grant me the courage to hold back my tears. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I may perhaps be in the wrong , help us O God. I don't know what I'm doing , what I'm going to do. Sometimes when these happens m, I wish we hadn't come to India so soon . I don't know if I'm being bad , I probably am. I don't wish to be. But there is a lot of confusion in my self. This is on top of my pre-existent fear if I'll be a good mother. I don't know . But something makes me feel that I make a lousy wife and daughter in law. Forgive me , help me to mend . 

Amen 

Cry for help

Thursday  21 May 2015

I'm 8 weeks pregnant. I had a UTI, for which I took amoxicillin. The day after I finished the antibiotics course, I started getting red patches on my body. I saw it on my face first,and did not give it any heed thinking it has something to do with skin dryness.
So this is day 2 of being red and blotchy. I was petrified yesterday, not for me but for my baby. It's an absolutely new experience...being this anxious for someone. Somehow , you know, even with all the comfort you get ...from your dear loving husband , his parents and my parents , I think the practical part of me waits for a logical reasoning for the cause. I am sorry I am like this if I'm hurting anyone (read husband) , but then again I don't know if I should feel sorry. I was so petrified for my baby God, still am anxious...as I wait for the bus to get to the Arztin. People tell me to be happy, so I preferred to sleep yesterday and watch HIMYM during the day. I mean, I think they are pretty genuine ways of getting my mind off my face.

Need to pray before I continue. Dear God, please take care of our baby. Our we little 0.65 inch bundle of  love! Take care of the baby Lord., wash my baby and me and AJ with your precious blood and purify us. Cleanse us Lord. I apologise for all I should.

Crossroads - Imaginary or real ?

23 April 2015  Thursday.

Okay, I needed to rant. I am filled with a lot of feelings and doubts and 'what ifs?' . There are a couple more days before I can confirm my status, and when I think to that point, I am filled with mixed emotions about the either positive and negative aspect it could be. 

Am I imagining that parts of my body are changing? Am I imagining something more when I get tired and huff and puff by mere climbing the stairs to our home, or that I need to take deep extra breaths to read the bible passage properly? 

A part of me wants to be pregnant very badly....actually, most of me wants me to be pregnant...the tiny sliver remaining is the 'scared little girl' part.

Dear Lord, you know all I'm going through. I wanted to cherish this moment, where there is hope that I may perhaps be pregnant. I know I am going to be devastated if my period strike in. I don't know what I will do then, how I will cope with the despair. In the off chance that I may be pregnant, my happiness about that is laced with the obvious anxiety, you know.! Well, I trust you...you plan everything in my life. I surrender myself to you.

Amen 

Its always good to talk to People

23 April 2015    Thursday

I went and met this good professor from the biophysics department yesterday. It was nerve wrecking, the mere thought of engaging in conversation with someone so high up.As I waited in the cruch area outside his office, I was calming myself down , firstly by praising God, and secondly by helping myself convince that he is only another human being ( and relying on politeness so he wont be nasty).

I have an awesome husband. Yesterday morning, AJ was on a roll. I was standing right behind him,  and he took both my hands on either side of him , so that he can hold them in a prayer pose along with his palms. Its a very natural pose, which gets me praying for him and thanking about him like crazy. Anyway, during breakfast, he was revisiting tamil hymns he knew. I don't know why, why yesterday or why tamil songs! It just was! I don;t remember the first song he sang about, sorry ( I should eat more fish for my memory sake). The second song was about the wall of jerico., and how it came tumbling down when they believed that God is with them and started singing and praising God. AJ said these motivational stuff just out of the blue. I felt like its the apt things i needed to hear, they helped me a lot to cope with the wait before the prof made an appearance.

He , the prof I mean, was really nice. Considering how his profile and my background don;t match at all, I was really surprised that he agreed to meet with me. I even told him so, and what is said was 'It is always good to talk to people' . And this I take as the positive message off my meeting with him. 

He detailed very exhaustively all the projects he deals with. At one point, he asked about my bio background; I mentioned school...and then he started explaining things in even more simpler terms. I have respect for that professor. 

The bottomline of our talk was...he doesn;t know me enough to spare money and take me on, especially since my biology background is very little. He proposed sticking around for 2 months in his lab as an intern to try it out....could attend lectures on biology,.....trying a year of his money till I find a fellowship.....try fellowships!!! 

He said my resume is good for fellowship trials..my publication record especially! He said the fellowship usually requires atleast 2 first author papers. I am strong in that aspect. Also, he appreciated the journals I have published in. And he was amazed by the amount of citations. He remarked that my work must be hot and how research in 'methods' tend to result in much more citations. 

And he also said, post phd is the time where I should clearly frame what I want to do with life. Even in terms of project I would want to do in his group, I need a step wise decision, it seems. sigh

Anyway, the talk was...basically....very good! Lasted just over an hour. 

If fellowships is my way out, I'd rather apply for topics more along the main frame of my research interest. 

Dear Lord, thanks for the experience. 

I'm thinking that .....I should talk to people more. Its always good to talk to people. :D ;)

A postponed FIRST!

Tuesday   21 Apr 2015  

Today was meant to be the 'first' interview of mine as I search for a job! To say I was not prepared is an understatement. I was in shatters within regarding how unprepared I was (Still am). During the prayer time I spent before leaving the house, my genuine prayer was that, 'let the professor not be in'....I had valid reasons for praying so. In addition to my lack of preparation, the professor had indicated that he will only be back today. Such a vague reply.' And I went to meet him and found out that he is indeed not back. 

Now that my prayer is answered, literally at that, it gives me a brief respite before panic kicks in again. haha. I get another chance to prepare myself better. But on the other hand, I am absolutely baffled by how I can prepare well when the subject introdued is so different from mine. Am I required to know 'everything' that I am getting into?? How deeply should I boast about myself? What is the angle here to sell myself? All I see is me presenting myself very frankly, as someone with a lot of ignorance but a deep interest to learn biology, and well, we can see what comes out of it. That is still existent for tomorrow, What I need now is a strategy to tackle how to better prepare for tomorrow.

Wel, let me get lost from here and get down to that.

But before that, I wanted to comment on how wonderful I felt when I called up Daddy and he answered by 'yesssssss??' and he had such hopes in his voice and so much care. It was amazing. I thank you God and I praise You for the beautiful life You have given me. Amen. 

Stuff

03 June 2013      Monday


Soooo.....I was reading the rest of the posts in this blog. All of them find me in pretty desperate situations, well, except for the one about Ethan! And an update to that, Ethan turned out to be Nathan! I love the little dude. He is 1 year and 3 months old now, a big boy, yes! And he has started walking. The last time I saw him was during Easter , way back in April I think, and he was crawling about then. I cannot accept the fact that he has started walking; for me, that seems like a shift (a huge one) from being a baby to a big boy! Whenever we skype, the little champ does not want to sit still, and seeing him walk about is unreal...and a bit sad, I feel like he is not my 'baby' anymore. If I feel this way, wonder how his mom feels.