Meltdown-2 Followup

Dear dear God,

Trying to be positive!

All my life, all the moments in the past 26 years, I have always been taken care of, by you. You have always looked after me, you have always blessed me. You have blessed me with wonderful parents, wonderful siblings, wonderful sisters-in-law. You have taken care of my career path without even my knowledge or yearning. You have always taken care of me.

And as I stand here just now, feeling broken and desperate, I think back to all those times, and I thank you with all my heart. As my mom says, I cannot say enough thanks. Even if I say thanks for the rest of my life, it would not compare to the massive amount of blessings you have showered on me.

I am so sorry Lord, for being such a pessimist. Help me, I beg, since I am too weak to change on my own. Send me your holy spirit, into my heart that I may grow calm, into my mind that I may perform my duties as well as you permit me, and into my life so that I can experience peace. I thank you Lord for giving me this wonderful opportunity to write my thesis. I am sorry for being such a pale version of the hopeful self I can be. Help me to realise that you have planned my life as you deem is the best for me. May your will be done in my life. I always look to you for protection. I look towards you for mercy, forgive me my sins O God, all the hate i harbour in my heart even though I loathe myself for it, all the hate I have towards myself. all the hate i have towards my present task. Let me love what I write from (reality check) detesting it.

Help me be tolerant to my colleagues, if not friendly. Let me not think too much about their attitude towards me, or mine towards them. Let me not care about what other people think of me, but, what I am meant to be doing.

I love you
Save me.

Meltdown -2

Dear dear dear God


The magnitude of how worthless I feel cannot be expressed in words.

I thought I would be alright after my meltdown in front of my supervisor. But, I am so sorry that the hate I feel towards other successful people or people who are far away from my present plight, it is rising up again. And, I don't want this hate factor, with all my heart, I know that! But, it does creep up, and I am so sorry. But, I cannot help myself. What am I to do? How can I be composed and calm and nice when I feel so miserable and angry and frustrated inside. When I meet someone, anyone, I am reminded of my inability to write, my ignorance which is as big as a mountain, and my helplessness that is a killjoy.

Dear God, I turn to you in my intense turmoil. Crying in front of other people is just a piece of cake these days. And I think to myself, if I cannot handle this, how am I going  to survive in my future life? If I cannot handle the pressure of mere writing, something that is soo not going to cause any butterfly effect in the world, what is the purpose of me living on? I am sorry. I never meant to be so pathetic. People might say that for someone who prays so much, my trust in you is not even the size of a mustard seed. I do realise that too. And I am ashamed and sorry. Its just that someone the presence of others triggers these train of thoughts which escalates and I reach a point where I cannot control my tears or my agony.

Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.

January of 2014

When the year began, most of the wishes were regarding "How eventful this year is going to be, for me!" Well, and for those friends of mine the same stage as me. And, I believed it too. I had(have) so much to look forward to..my PhD, prospective wedding plans, future career plans!!

Its still in the same stage. However, the difference is that...being 22 days into this new year,  I am extremely tired. It sounds insane after having gotten that thought out. It has only been 22 days! And I am soo sick of life! I am writing my thesis, and it just don't suit my temper. I have envy, lots of it. I envy Ashleigh who seems to have gotten the ball rolling in terms of 'thesis tone', and is on her third chapter. I envy all my other friends who are in their early stages of PhD and need not bother about thesis yet. I envy Cris who is at the last lap of completion, and have a career secured with a job at a laser company. In addition to envy, I am angry.Angry at myself, because I JUST CANNOT WRITE. I try this way, and that way...and the feeling at the end is always the same....it doesn't sound nice. I'm angry at myself for the INTENSE FEAR I harbour for anything and everything, I detest staying in the office, because I hate my desk, takes me ages to get into a writing mode at that place. I loathe talking to my office-mates, not of faults of their own, but, because all I can talk about is how miserable I am. And being the misery incarnate, I cannot show or express any other feeling. Even talking normal stuff gets on my nerves.

Essentially, I am very high-strung. I am the root of all problems, and the worst part is, I am also the solution to these problems. Its bizzarre. Presently, I am writing from Cafe Brio at HWU. I do find comfort being here, atleast I can lament in peace as can be understood in this post...and the irony is that I am surrounded by so many people, and it is soo noisy here. When I was in the office 15 minutes, well, yeah, we talk only occasionaly...but somehow every single word seems to bring out some sort of bad dream. I was sitting there, trying to compose myself,...and feeling sooo RESTLESS. These feelings are undefinable.

I want to get out of it all. As my mom told me today morning, I don't love what I am meant to do. I don't have an ounce of self-confidence. I am blessed so much, and instead of thanking God for it, and trying in a very steady pace to overcome every little step, I worry, lose sleep and end up doing a very very bad job.

I would never say that I write well. I don't! Before I start writing, I have no clue what I am going to put down on paper. And most times, after I'm done , it sounds nice. I don;t intend for it to be...even though I do try. And the success rate of  this technique has been pretty good, till of late, I think. God, you know what I am going through. It is very bizarre that if I look at myself with an aerial perspective, I am still at a great place..everything is going forward, all looks good...but then I finf so much difficulty getting the small things done. Please give me strength and resolve, and confidence that you will let me write well. That You will never let me go. That my path will mend. Give me the gift of hope, and unfaltering enthusiasm and happiness knowing how blessed I still am...and how blessed I always will be. And, all my life, I should dedicate to thanking you! Countless dear God, countless...are your blessings to me. I thank you, and I'm sorry for being a complainer. Help me be better.

Love
R