Meltdown -2

Dear dear dear God


The magnitude of how worthless I feel cannot be expressed in words.

I thought I would be alright after my meltdown in front of my supervisor. But, I am so sorry that the hate I feel towards other successful people or people who are far away from my present plight, it is rising up again. And, I don't want this hate factor, with all my heart, I know that! But, it does creep up, and I am so sorry. But, I cannot help myself. What am I to do? How can I be composed and calm and nice when I feel so miserable and angry and frustrated inside. When I meet someone, anyone, I am reminded of my inability to write, my ignorance which is as big as a mountain, and my helplessness that is a killjoy.

Dear God, I turn to you in my intense turmoil. Crying in front of other people is just a piece of cake these days. And I think to myself, if I cannot handle this, how am I going  to survive in my future life? If I cannot handle the pressure of mere writing, something that is soo not going to cause any butterfly effect in the world, what is the purpose of me living on? I am sorry. I never meant to be so pathetic. People might say that for someone who prays so much, my trust in you is not even the size of a mustard seed. I do realise that too. And I am ashamed and sorry. Its just that someone the presence of others triggers these train of thoughts which escalates and I reach a point where I cannot control my tears or my agony.

Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.