Meltdown-2 Followup

Dear dear God,

Trying to be positive!

All my life, all the moments in the past 26 years, I have always been taken care of, by you. You have always looked after me, you have always blessed me. You have blessed me with wonderful parents, wonderful siblings, wonderful sisters-in-law. You have taken care of my career path without even my knowledge or yearning. You have always taken care of me.

And as I stand here just now, feeling broken and desperate, I think back to all those times, and I thank you with all my heart. As my mom says, I cannot say enough thanks. Even if I say thanks for the rest of my life, it would not compare to the massive amount of blessings you have showered on me.

I am so sorry Lord, for being such a pessimist. Help me, I beg, since I am too weak to change on my own. Send me your holy spirit, into my heart that I may grow calm, into my mind that I may perform my duties as well as you permit me, and into my life so that I can experience peace. I thank you Lord for giving me this wonderful opportunity to write my thesis. I am sorry for being such a pale version of the hopeful self I can be. Help me to realise that you have planned my life as you deem is the best for me. May your will be done in my life. I always look to you for protection. I look towards you for mercy, forgive me my sins O God, all the hate i harbour in my heart even though I loathe myself for it, all the hate I have towards myself. all the hate i have towards my present task. Let me love what I write from (reality check) detesting it.

Help me be tolerant to my colleagues, if not friendly. Let me not think too much about their attitude towards me, or mine towards them. Let me not care about what other people think of me, but, what I am meant to be doing.

I love you
Save me.

Meltdown -2

Dear dear dear God


The magnitude of how worthless I feel cannot be expressed in words.

I thought I would be alright after my meltdown in front of my supervisor. But, I am so sorry that the hate I feel towards other successful people or people who are far away from my present plight, it is rising up again. And, I don't want this hate factor, with all my heart, I know that! But, it does creep up, and I am so sorry. But, I cannot help myself. What am I to do? How can I be composed and calm and nice when I feel so miserable and angry and frustrated inside. When I meet someone, anyone, I am reminded of my inability to write, my ignorance which is as big as a mountain, and my helplessness that is a killjoy.

Dear God, I turn to you in my intense turmoil. Crying in front of other people is just a piece of cake these days. And I think to myself, if I cannot handle this, how am I going  to survive in my future life? If I cannot handle the pressure of mere writing, something that is soo not going to cause any butterfly effect in the world, what is the purpose of me living on? I am sorry. I never meant to be so pathetic. People might say that for someone who prays so much, my trust in you is not even the size of a mustard seed. I do realise that too. And I am ashamed and sorry. Its just that someone the presence of others triggers these train of thoughts which escalates and I reach a point where I cannot control my tears or my agony.

Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.
Phil 4:13 I can do all this through God who gives me strength.