Mind control

Today AJ told me to get a grip of my mind. Not to go deep into negativity, not to create a trench and pull in everything I hold dear. He is true. He is so wise and so nice. I would have held a grudge for less. I wish I could be impartial.

Marriage has changed a lot in me. Finally, someone is truly interested in me and what I feel and have to say. It is amazing . I love my AJ. And now I have started being a scared self. Scared of death, scared of doing anything that might hurt him. My own opinions seems to play see-saw sometimes. Being a mother has worsened my situation.! Such a lot of insecurities, you wouldn't believe!! I feel like I'm starting to be like Mrs Kent from the Emily books...how terrible and ugly is that!!!!

And in the end of al of it, I wish to curl up somewhere and wallow in self pity and self loathing . And cry and cry. AJ , he deserves someone stong and capable and not such a sissy! I love him so  much though and I pray I can grow to be the wife he deserves .

Post roll-over stress

Dear God , 

Need to vent! They say as a mom , I have the complete decision making powers over the child. Perhaps I do. I just feel so much under stress at the moment. I'm pretty sure it's the same for AJ. He must be torn between his wife's (our mutual) previous decisions and that of his parents. Mummy has started feeding Snebaby on the sly. She tasted honey today. Somehow it rankled. Perhaps it was the way it was done. And they have again started the talk of feeding her solids. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's all messed up at the moment. Now that she has rolled over, it's as if the the need of me as a mother is over and I might as well get lost. It seems that they will gladly have that since they have hinted multiple times about us leaving our child here. Having heard the magnitude of criticisms of their brothers having forsaken their children to grandparents, I'm actually shocked !! How could they even hint at such a thing !! 

God , I'm extremely precarious. I have lost my sense of peace, again. In this household , crying is a vice . Grant me the courage to hold back my tears. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I may perhaps be in the wrong , help us O God. I don't know what I'm doing , what I'm going to do. Sometimes when these happens m, I wish we hadn't come to India so soon . I don't know if I'm being bad , I probably am. I don't wish to be. But there is a lot of confusion in my self. This is on top of my pre-existent fear if I'll be a good mother. I don't know . But something makes me feel that I make a lousy wife and daughter in law. Forgive me , help me to mend . 

Amen