Be the change!

20th Sept

Cuba is at the bottom of the big chunk that has USA n Mexico. Aire was making me show me all over India, and he was showing off the canary islands. Sweet place, the Canary Islands, I mean. I might change the vacation spot with T from Malta to Canary Islands. Yes, definitely, a good idea!

Anyhow, Aire proved how small the world is. He knows our dear MinggKhu. And knows a number of people in the same group. Amazing really! I wih I could be more like Aire, fearless, even when things are messed up. Confident, and sure about what he wants from a sample. There is a big shot guy in Priya's group....by name Saulius.He looks ...inspiring. I have been reading 'The girl who kicked the Hornet's nest'. The people who work in the book, they work like hell while they work. Why can't I work like that? Why do I get depressed on the second hit?? Today, I lashed out at Rai. I really did. I even dread coming in coz of that particular person. Sometimes the going gets tough and thats when I lose my temper. I ain't proud of it, but it just happens you know. There should be a vent for all the frustration to pass. And I ain't getting that vent ....and its killing me . That's where Hari's fb status today strikes a chord:

"Again, experiencing one of those moments when you are a hyper-critic of one's self, I would give up anything to have a meeting with my crisis point soon %-I "

I'd love to have my crisis point to get over n done with. I ma unhappy with myself. I don't think I can work. I don't feel like I have any good qualities I could muster to appreciate, and help grow. Its an amazement to me as to how I reahced here in the first place. No, that's not true, certainly not! I know its God's guidance and grace that brought me here...But I feel myself slipping away, and I hato hate it.

God, save me , help me not to hate myself, help me to realise that even if its a bit too late, everything is not lost. I remember IIT Mahesh, who was killed. One rumour goes that he was murdered, and the second goes that he committed suicide coz his project failed. Sometimes, I get the latter feeling. On no way would I take my life, no way! But, I sometimes think that if I was not alive, then , I needn't suffocate myself with mind churning emotions and depression. God, I repent. For not being thankful enough. I know I have deviated from my chosen path, whatever that was/is. Help me God, help me to get back on the correct stace, help me to trust you completely and rely on you every step along the way. Help me not to hate myself.

I'm sorry
R